The Sandwich Years: Watching Kids Grow, Watching Parents Go

The call always comes at the wrong time. Mine came twice, once for my mom, once for my dad, and neither time did I feel ready. I don't think anyone ever is.

Stuck in the Middle

At fifty and seasoned, most of us are dealing with the same strange math. You watch your kids grow up and start their own lives, and at the same time, you watch your parents move toward the end of theirs. You're stuck somewhere in between, trying to hold both.

And here's the thing nobody prepares you for: the middle isn't just heavy. It's also full of joy, sometimes in the very same week. One daughter is getting married. Another finishing college. I get to watch them step into their lives with so much ahead of them, and I am so proud and so happy for them that it catches me off guard. Weddings and graduations and aging parents, all happening at once. It's a lot to hold, but I wouldn't trade the joy for an easier season.

I don't know if it's a birth order thing or not, but my husband and I are both the oldest children in our families. That responsibility just shows up when it comes to this. Whether the relationship was strained over the years or your parent was your best friend in the world, it doesn't matter. The job still lands on you.

Losing My Mom

I lost my mom in 2019. She'd been sick for many years, longer than I think I ever let myself realize. Looking back now, I'm not sure I understood how sick she'd actually become.

When I got the call that I needed to come see her, that the doctor said we should get there right away, my sister and I both knew what was happening. It still happened fast.

Sudden, even though some part of us had been bracing for it for years.

Losing My Dad

Losing my dad was different. We'd been estranged for a long time. My sister got a call out of the blue from a hospital chaplain, letting her know where he was and what was going on. No relationship to speak of for years, and suddenly I felt this pull of responsibility anyway, to make sure things were handled right.

Now It's Andy's Turn

Most recently, my husband, the oldest child in his family too, has been the one handling his parents' aging. He stood by me through all of mine. Now it's my turn to stand by him, and honestly, watching him has been something else.

He's been moving furniture and lifting boxes like it's nothing, downsizing his parents into smaller and smaller spaces, doing the physical work most people don't think about until they're in it. And through all of it, he keeps saying how grateful he is for the caring staff at the senior communities they've been working with. He calls them a blessing. I think that's stuck with me because it's a reminder that even in the hardest parts of this, there are good people showing up too.

I'm proud of how he's handled it. Old relationship difficulties, the stuff that lingers for years, gets put aside fast when you're dealing with things like setting up assisted living, wheelchairs and walkers, or watching your parent's body turn into something you barely recognize.

What This Has Taught Us

Nobody tells you how much of this is physical and logistical, not just emotional. And nobody tells you how much it forces you to think about your own mortality. For us, it's made us think hard about how we want to handle things with our own kids someday.

We've committed to get the right things in place now, the medical decisions, the legal paperwork, so our daughters don't have to carry the same weight we have.

I know this isn't the most uplifting post I've written. But it's real, and it's where a lot of us are right now, weddings, degrees, wheelchairs, and all.

If you're in the middle of this right now, wheelchairs and paperwork and phone calls you never wanted to get, you're not doing it wrong. And you're not doing it alone. A lot of us are fifty, seasoned, and standing in that same doorway.