A Woman's Place: Why That Bar Conversation Still Haunts Me

My husband and I were on vacation in the southwestern US a few years ago when we stopped at a little restaurant for an afternoon cocktail. The bar was mostly empty mid-day, so we settled onto cozy stools and ordered signature drinks.

That's when two young women—probably early to mid-20s—sat down nearby.

One woman dominated the conversation. And as I listened (while my husband watched sports on the TV above the bar), what I heard stopped me cold.

The Conversation That Made Us Leave

She was trying to convince her companion that her sole duty in life was to serve her husband. To make him her only priority. To put his needs above her own. She got louder and more assertive, driving home her points about "a woman's place" and how to be subservient to a more "important" man than herself.

At some point, she realized I was listening. She turned to me and asked, "You agree, don't you? We need a strong man to make us a better woman?"

I'm never good in these moments. I said, with slight sarcasm, "Yes, sure."

Shortly after, I kicked my husband's shin—the signal it was time to go. I couldn't listen anymore.

The Message That Terrified Me

As we got into our car, my first thought was: She's so young, and she's preaching to other young women that you are nothing without a man to take care of you.

I flashed back to my own mother, who got upset when I broke up with my high school boyfriend because she thought he could "take care of me." I thought about my young daughters and hoped I'd raised them to know they could be whatever they wanted—with or without a partner.

Breaking the Cycle

I have to admit; I was unsure about getting married when I was younger. I watched my parents' dysfunctional marriage and my mother's constant need to "keep him happy." She even put his happiness above her children—all girls, by the way.

The message was clear. If I'd only listened to her and followed her lead, I might have been having that same conversation with other young women. Or worse, with my own daughters.

But I didn't. And it was because I saw a world where women were making change and becoming their own people.

Partnership, Not Subservience

It's unfair to say marriage was the problem, because ultimately, I did get married to a wonderful partner in life. And that's just it: we're partners who chose to live this life together.

I was recently talking about how supportive my husband is and how he understands that while I'm his wife, I'm also an independent person with goals and ambitions. He recalls that when we decided to get "serious" in college, I told him he needed to understand I had plans and was ambitious—so I was all in as long as he was good with that.

Funny that I even felt like I had to have that conversation. But he came along with me, and I came along with him. Here we are 27 years later - and we make each other better.

Raising Daughters to Choose Their Own Path

We raised two daughters who believe they can be anything they want to be. We set them up to have opportunities—whatever they wanted—despite having an X chromosome in a Y chromosome-heavy world.

I shared my passion for reading and uplifted women I admired. Growing up in the 1980s and '90s, there were so many women who influenced me and built my confidence in a male-dominated world: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Princess Diana, Margaret Thatcher, Sally Ride, Oprah.

These women came into popular culture with confidence that influenced a generation. The message was clear: You are a woman, and you can be proud of it. If you want the corporate job, go for it. If you want to stay home and raise children, it's your choice. The point was that you could decide your path—not succumb to some predetermined female role.

The "Trad Wife" Concern

Today, I made sure that my daughters understand what women have done to secure the freedoms many of us have. And they should—because the generations before me didn't have these freedoms at all.

My grandmother couldn't open a bank account without her husband's permission. My mother's generation was fired for getting pregnant. Women couldn't get credit cards in their own names until 1974. They couldn't serve on juries in all 50 states until 1973. Marital rape wasn't illegal in all states until 1993.

These weren't choices women made—they were restrictions imposed on them. Every freedom I have today was hard-won by women who fought so we could actually decide our own paths.

So, when I heard that young woman spouting a message reminiscent of 1950s housewifery, it stopped me in my tracks. My daughter later informed me of a trend called "trad wifing." Now, I admit we've had some fun with that term, but the fact that this is even something given a name concerns me.

I have friends who stayed home and raised children full-time, just as I have friends who are C-levels at their companies. The point is: it was a choice they made, and they're happy with it. This idea that one sex is inferior to another should be a belief of bygone generations—not one for the new ones.

Leading the Change

As we begin National Women's History Month and celebrate International Women's Day on March 8, the National Women's History Alliance selected the theme to uplift women everywhere: "Leading the Change: Women Shaping a Sustainable Future."

As American women, we have not only the right but the obligation to continue being leaders and advocates to make this world better for all future generations.

We just saw a team of women win a gold medal at the Olympics—and unfortunately be set aside to highlight the same work and outcome as a team of men.

How did we get here? And what do we do to continue overcoming this?

The answer starts with not letting conversations like the one I overheard at that bar go unchallenged. It continues with raising daughters (and sons) who understand that partnership means equality. And it persists through every generation of women who refuse to accept that their worth is determined by their relationship to a man.

That young woman at the bar may believe she needs a strong man to make her a better woman. But I know the truth: we make ourselves better. And together, we make the world better.